Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
