I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
