I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
