We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
