Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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