Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I currently don't understand fingers.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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