Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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