wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
