Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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