just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
