This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
