i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
