The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
