We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
