i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
