you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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