You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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