i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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