I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
