my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
