I'm so fucking centered right now
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
