God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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