My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
