Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
