whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
