and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
