the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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