never play flip cup with pint glasses
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
