I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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