my phone needs a breathalizer
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Bring me that man meat
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
