I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
