My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
