we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
