from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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