Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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