I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
