dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
