just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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