he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
