John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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