my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
