An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
