I feel great
I just peed on a car
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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