The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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