I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
