They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
