WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
