I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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