thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I wanna passion pit in your ass
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
