I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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